Trying to cope with the life changing diagnosis of dementia in a spouse, is an ongoing struggle. It’s like being on a long trail with someone. You can’t go back, and you can’t see what lies ahead. All you can do is keep walking. And as you go along, your partner is dropping things, necessary, needful things, that you can’t catch or pick up. All you can do is keep walking.

The pace slows as your partner loses mobility, and the questions keep popping up. What day is it? Where are we going? What are we doing? What day is it? What is today?

The thing that hits me hardest though is the fear. The fear throbs with a low hum in the background of day to day life. It is unspoken. It reveals itself in body language and in the confusion that marks every day. The changes in the ability or cognizant knowledge of how to deal with the things that occur in everyday life become more apparent as time passes. I have to do more and more to keep us on an even level keel. And each change is like a micro stab to the heart. Each loss is a permanent step down a dark path.

In the beginning, we noticed that he was having difficulty doing things he always did. We had to give up a side job teaching martial arts because he couldn’t deal with the students. He went from a compassionate, excellent encourager and coach to a grouchy, intolerant task master. He grew frustrated easily and began to accuse students of poor behavior even when it wasn’t true. We bowed out of teaching and learned of his diagnosis. The paranoia hit us hard, everyone was out to get him, Truck drivers on the interstate just wanted to run over and kill everyone else on the highway. Trailer park punks were harassing us in the middle of the night. People were going to steal his stuff.

He had always had a big heart for young people so when he started hating on extended family that was a shocking behavior to all of us. It wasn’t him… the ugly aggressive behavior and hallucinations and paranoia have been eased with medications.

Losing his independence has been hard on us. He was always one who preferred his own company and when he had to be with someone 24/7. We had to adjust our behavior and find a way to ensure he was in a more comfortable environment.

I have to remind myself often that he did not choose this. As his pace slows I have taken to holding his hand so I don’t run off and leave him. His mood often reflects my own, so I carry the burden of both our dispositions. Sometimes, I just can’t do it and end up paying an emotional debt as I have to settle him as well as my own emotional distress.

He doesn’t want to bathe or use deodorant. He doesn’t want to change clothes. He struggles working his smart phone. A big social media presence on his favorite topics before, now it is rare for him to find or comment. He can’t follow complicated dialog or story lines on TV. He is content watching shows he grew up with and baseball and football though he can’t tell you how the game is going. He used to know all the players and their stats. Now it’s a comforting familiar noise in the background.

He was a gym rat, going to the gym and working out was a major part of his life, now we go to the gym and sit in the sauna and steam rooms. He used to swim, now it’s a major deal to just get into the pool. And the changes keep on. It is a race of adaptations.

I have to totally release my expectations. My expectations of what he should be able to do and my expectations of myself, how I should deal with the challenges. They say a routine is best. I can’t give him that due to my work schedule. They say a lot of things. Each journey down this path is as unique as the people trodding it. Be easy on yourself and your partner on this trek. We already know it’s not going to end well.

If you have never dealt with a person who is hallucinating it is a shock to the system the first time it ever happens. Trying to figure out how to pacify someone who is upset over something that is not there is a no win situation. Having never dealt with this before, I tripped off down the logic and reality path that dead ends in total meltdown for the person who is hallucinating. It was not a good night.

We live at the end of a mile long gravel drive, there are large pasture fields between us and our nearest neighbors. Behind us is a wooded steep hill, belonging to a series of wooded ridges running up the landscape separating our valley from the one on the other side. There are no near neighbors behind us. The pasture fields in front and to the side of us are fenced with electric fences. We also have 7 dogs, 2 chihuahuas, 3 terriers, a catahoula, and a pit Bull mix. If anyone comes anywhere close the house is filled with the sound of dogs barking.

When my spouse insisted that trailer park punks were out in the yard, I argued with him. I pointed out that there was no one there. I went outside, he claimed they hid when the door opened. I told him the dogs weren’t barking, that if anyone were around the dogs would be barking. He said he didn’t know why the dogs wouldn’t bark at the trailer park punks and he grew more agitated with me because I wouldn’t believe him about the late night visitors. It went back and forth, his agitation growing with my frustration and fatigue. I did not know how to pacify my spouse. Little did I know at the time, but the trailer park punks were to become nightly visitors for the next several weeks.

After trying to handle my spouse’s hallucinations with calm honesty and logic and failing, I finally read up on hallucinations in dementia patients and discovered that playing along will usually defuse the situation. So off to plan B…

I went outside and yelled to scare ‘them’ off only to be told they hid until it was safe for them to continue with their odd harassment. Reflections of internal lights, like the lights on the coffee maker, became flashlights roaming the back hill behind the house. I found myself purchasing a Ring camera that lit up the front yard like a traveling circus. I could pull up the front yard on the phone and show him pictures to reassure him, only to be told that the miscreants were just out of camera range. I would be roused in the wee hours so I could hear non-existent voices conversing on the front porch, or a non-existent vehicle racing up and down the driveway.

I work rotating 12 hour shifts and many nights on my day shift rotation I would be wakened to investigate these capering punks in the yard, in the woods, or driving up and down the driveway…one night I took the catahoula on a leash up the trail into the woods behind the house. He kept looking over his shoulder at me, wagging his tail like, this is cool mom!!! I stopped about a quarter way up the steep hill and looked up at the thick canopy and asked myself, what I thought I was doing? Standing there in my pink crocs, and oversized pajamas, bed head, mostly blind without my lenses, dog on a leash at 2:30am, I realized it wasn’t working. I wasn’t accomplishing anything good.

I decided I would just stop trying to convince him one way or another. We were under the care of our primary physician, who had referred us to a very good psychiatrist. We were working out just where we were on this terrible journey. The last straw of this trying stage was the night I refused to get up and go deal with the trailer park punks and my spouse got his revolver and fired a couple of rounds up into the woods behind the house. Terrified, and riding an adrenaline rush I went out on the porch and I watched him strut around the house to tell me that he had taken care of it.

Our visits with the psychiatrist, who specializes in elder care, started us on the path of controlling the disruptive symptoms with medication. Once we got a couple visits in and the dosages adjusted, the trailer park punks stopped their nightly rampages.

The symptoms of this terrible illness vary with individuals. Hallucinations, agitation, aggression, personality changes, inability to make decisions, or take care of themselves, all mark the progression of dementia. No one set of coping skills is guaranteed to work when caring for a loved one. It becomes a loose adaptive process, because once you think you’ve got it…well, you don’t. Once you think you have a handle on it, it changes. The key is to find within yourself the understanding of what you are trying to accomplish and hang on for the ride.

The Neurologist we saw gave us a preliminary diagnosis of Moderate Dementia associated with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t know what I was expecting from this Neurologist, but it certainly wasn’t the bum rush knock down diagnosis followed by a hasty exit that saw us leaving the office struggling to grasp what was happening as we tried to calm a very distraught man.

Having been handed a life changing diagnosis, we were left to navigate our way towards comprehension and to realign ourselves to a new reality. I immediately began looking up and reading anything I could find that might give me a hint as to what we were looking at going forward. Turns out there is no straightforward answer. There are many different types of dementia. One’s journey through this maze will be as unique as the person making it. There are commonalities between the types of dementia, things to look for that might clue a body in to where one is. There are stage markers but the line between stages is blurred. Alzheimer’s is the most prevalent form of dementia and possibly the best mapped and understood. As the disease progresses there are markers that determine what stage one is in. The stages are defined and numbered. When I studied these, I was not convinced we were dealing with Alzheimer’s disease.

Of the types of dementia I read about, one kept popping up. CTE, chronic trauma encephalopathy. Many of his symptoms and the rapidity of his decline seemed to fit this box better than any other. CTE cannot yet be legitimately diagnosed until an autopsy is performed, but his array of symptoms fit here better than any other.

CTE, chronic trauma encephalopathy, a form of dementia that comes on in late life after years of contact sports became the most likely form of dementia we were dealing with. CTE can claim one at any stage of life after repeated blows to the head. With my spouse it appears we are dealing with late life onset, characterized by dementia. My spouse played monster man on defense on his high school football team and was proud he put out at least one a game with his ferocious defensive hits. He also ranked in the top 10 in karate magazine as a fighter for many years in his 20’s and 30’s and he trained many fighters over his 50+years in the martial arts. I would say he took more blows to the head training in the dojo than he ever did in the ring competing. All this took a toll. And today we are paying that rate.

After our disturbing and unhelpful interaction with the neurologist we saw our family doctor, under her care we were able to get some positive traction. She asked if there had been any trauma that might have set off what we were seeing. There had been, my spouse had been given some personally devastating news that he had been unable to accept or deal with. We now believe this kickstarted what became a precipitous decline over the past couple of years. Any intense stress can influence and possibly damage an already fragile infrastructure. The brain is incredibly complex and already under stress from the repeated physical trauma the psychological stress proved to be a catalyst that sent my spouse spiraling over the edge.

As more cases of CTE are encountered, research is ongoing and new advances are being made. At the moment my spouse’s diagnosis is based on the array of symptoms and his history of contact sports. His symptoms include a 180 degree personality change, hallucinations, aggressive behavior, short term memory loss, loss of executive functions, fear of being alone, paranoia sleeplessness, and some loss of fine muscle control so far. We are treating with some medications that have alleviated the worst of the aggression and hallucinations. We are wrestling with the fear of being alone and his loss of short term memory and fading long term memories. He is unable to operate his iPhone, use a TV remote, or make simple decisions on his own. We live in the moment. He doesn’t know what day it is or even what time usually. He can dress and self care with reminders to bathe thrown in. He knows where he is and enjoys low stimulating environments best. We are trying to get the most out of our days while we have days left to us.

As sure as the sun rises, each one of us who rise also, is as unique as the day. Our personalities develop over time. We start with basic personality traits and we build on those as the years pass and we experience what life throws at us.

My spouse was an athlete. He played football, basketball, and baseball in high school. In Football he played both sides of the ball. He was a full back, and backup quarterback on offense; on defense he played linebacker going wherever the ball went. In baseball he hit .500 his senior year earning a scholarship he never quite made the grades for.

As an adult, he found expression for his intensely competitive nature in the martial arts. From his early 20’s through his early 50’s he competed in the ring in weekend tournaments all around the southeast. He was ranked in the top 10 in karate magazine for his weight division for several years in the late 70’s and early 80’s. He was confident in himself. He had charisma, people would stop what they were doing to watch him compete. People sought him out, they wanted to know him and be known by him.

He was almost narcissistically selfish. He was the center of his universe and was the epitome of the bad boy with the big soft heart. He lived his life the way he wanted to and if you wanted to be a part of it, great…if not, so be it. There were times I was in awe of his ability to make his own path. The only expectations he met were his own. He was comfortable in a crowd or by himself. He knew who he was and made no excuses. I admired his ability to seemingly bend life to fit him. He was fearless. He was dynamic. He moved with the unconscious grace and swagger of a man confident in his ability prevail.

This disease takes no prisoners. It is no respecter of persons great or small. It devours the soul and hollows out the personality. Little, by little it strips a person bare and leaves behind a facsimile of a loved one.

During our marriage we were comfortable doing many things together; but we were also comfortable forging our own spaces. There were things I enjoyed that he did not and vice versa. We had a live and let live approach that suited two strong personalities with definite but different ideas on what exactly a good life looked like.

The changes in his personality over the last two years as this disease has progressed have been traumatic for me. He has gone from being fiercely independent to almost total dependence. He has gone from being fearless to being afraid of staying by himself. He could get along with most anyone and I rarely heard him insult or belittle another. He always had a soft spot for young people. Now there are 3 maybe 4 people including myself he is comfortable with. He insults family and strangers young or old with no filter in place. The woman who helps me most aside from my mother he calls butthole. Anyone overweight is subject to derision. He cannot stand to be around his children’s half siblings and has been banned from extended family gatherings due to his extremely disagreeable behavior. He has become totally dependent on me for the most basic decisions. Should he feed the cat? What should he eat? Should he watch this or that on tv? The man I married has moved on. This man in his body is a frightened needy stranger.

He is paranoid someone is going to steal his stuff. He worries the doors aren’t locked. We had to get a camera for the yard to convince him people were not out there just waiting to get his stuff. He wants to know where I am all the time. It’s like being stalked by the caricature of someone you held dear. We can’t have conversations anymore. He can’t relate to anything. He doesn’t know what day it is. He has no idea what we are going to do day to day. He can’t keep track of my work schedule. He can’t keep up with money, medicine, bathing…I try to be patient and kind, but I do not always succeed.

The funny thing is there are things he would not do with me before that seem to be his favorite things to do now. We have taken up camping. He loves it! Back in the day he refused to go or even consider it. He watches programs with me he wouldn’t have before. I have to constantly remind myself this isn’t about me. I am merely the supporting actress in this great tragedy. I am trying to make sense of this, but there is no sense in it at all. The total change in his personality has been and continues to be a struggle for me.

Our independence takes a huge step forward that day we go to the DMV and pass our driver’s test. We get car keys and we have arrived. Everything we do involves motoring from one place to another. Our independence lies in our ability to drive ourselves to our destinations. So much of our self identification is wrapped up in our ability to drive.

The day of that fateful diagnosis the only thing my spouse left the neurologist’s office with was anger and frustration over the declaration by the neurologist that he would never drive again. Everything else was dwarfed by that proclamation. As stunned by the idea as he was, we tried to get our heads around the idea that this fiercely independent man was now dependent. We were afraid too, because the neurologist told us that if we let him drive our insurance would not cover us if he had an accident. We coaxed the keys from him leaving him angry and devastated; and we began to try and get our heads around the new truth and come up with a plan to deal with it. This took us a few days. Those were not pleasant days as my spouse kept asking what he had done to turn us against him. Why were we doing this to him? Why had we ever taken him to that asshole doctor? I had no answers. He was, and still to this day is, in denial that there is anything wrong with him.

Angry ourselves because we had a diagnosis that was expected and worse than we anticipated, and upset at not having the time to absorb the diagnosis and discuss what this meant to the man we loved and ourselves with the professional who threw the news at us, we began to research dementia on the Web. As we dealt with the anger and fear and growing aggressive reaction we decided that the declaration leading to the loss of his driving privileges was not based on my spouse’s actual abilities, it seemed more and more to us a cross thrown in after a few jabs, the Dr. Imposing his superiority on a hapless, angry, confused, patient who called him an asshole and told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. On-line reviews of this doctor were not very flattering either lending credence to our opinion.

My spouse had not shown any indication that he was at that time physically or mentally incapable of driving. He had begun to self-regulate his driving; driving only short distances to familiar places. We went to a lawyer to determine if this was indeed legally binding. We were advised to watch the mail, if the Neurologist had officially revoked driving privileges we would be getting a letter from the state asking us to surrender his license. And just because one person said a thing didn’t make it so, we should seek other medical advice.

Everyone is different and each of us has to handle our circumstances the best we can. The decision to take a loved one’s car keys is not one I would wish on anyone. It is more than just taking away a physical object. It signifies a terrible loss. It is a loss of independence and freedom. It is a loss of face, a blow to the pride and self sufficiency of an independent soul.

We were able at that time to get a second and third opinion that left my spouse mobile for a little while longer. Having a good primary care physician is important when dealing with something like this. The whole incident with the Neurologist made me keenly aware of just how much damage a poor relationship with a doctor can do. We won’t be seeing that one again. If he is the only neurologist our insurance will let us see, I guess we will be doing this whole dementia thing without a consulting brain doc.

My spouse is satisfied right now with having his keys and his Jeep available. He is self-regulating, not driving except to see his children and then only when he feels confident enough to do so. We are lucky here so far. This major issue has become a non issue. We are monitoring his ability and letting him call the shots here as he is being cautious and not trying to prove anything to himself or us. No letter ever came from the State. It was an empty threat that caused more damage than the dementia diagnosis itself. Our second opinion agreed with our observation and we are letting him make that call as long as we are comfortable with his reaction time and physical ability behind the wheel.

This journey is one of the most difficult I have ever been on.

Some changes in life are predictable and easily assimilated into our life plans. We know that time passes and we age, we know that our families go through stages from infancy to empty nest to grandchildren. These changes we take in stride, planning for what we know is coming, and then there are those abrupt life-changing moments we could never have predicted. There is that day you walk into the doctor’s office and get a diagnosis that shatters all the plans ever made and leaves you staring into the great unknown without a plan.

One chilly February Day in 2022, my spouse, his daughter and I walked into a neurologist’s office to be informed in a very harsh, crass manner that my 69 year old spouse had dementia, there was frontal temporal atrophy and he was at what they consider to be a moderate stage where the dementia makes it impossible for a sufferer to be left to their own devices. In denial my spouse became very agitated and stated there was nothing wrong him and the Dr was an asshole, the Dr earned his moniker as he got confrontational with his patient and declared out of the blue that my spouse would never operate a motor vehicle again, his days of independence were over! We could not comprehend what we were being told as my spouse’s agitation spiraled towards a possibly aggressive level. We hustled out of the office bowed under the portentous weight of the diagnosis with an aggressively agitated patient and an unconcerned Dr. We were stunned by the expected diagnosis and the unexpected severity of same said diagnosis and we were frightened. We had no chance to talk to anyone about just what this diagnosis meant for him as the sufferer or us as caregivers. We were on our own.

The portentous declaration that the Dr. had declared my spouse unsafe to drive and that he would never operate a motor vehicle again hung over us like a declaration of doom. Of all the things that had been said this was the dominant theme. My spouses driving had not been a concern. He drove less, he was self-regulating behind the wheel and never seemed to be unsafe. He only drove short distances anymore. His sense of self and independence hung on that keyring and none of us were ready to take them from him. Of all the things that we should have been able to wrestle with, this one shouldn’t have taken center stage at this moment. But there it was, and there I was…and here I am.

Our trip home was laced with accusations. My spouse claimed he had never been to a doctor before who set about just to make him look stupid. The doctor was an idiot, he didn’t have dementia, there wasn’t anything wrong with him. The cognitive test full of questions he couldn’t answer, had been a minefield of frustration and embarrassment for him and kept coming up between the potential loss of his driving privileges and just who did that asshole think he was? Did I know that asshole was going to do him that way? Why did I think there was something wrong with him? What had he done to make us think there was something wrong with him?

Denial is easier to embrace than such a portentous diagnosis. His short term memory was failing, his confidence and self assurance fading. His personality had changed from that of a rugged individualist who was almost selfishly narcissistic to a clingy dependence that sought reassurance over the simplest things. Before, He was going to do what he was going to do and if you wanted to go too fine…if you didn’t hey he’d see you when he seen you. Now, he would not go anywhere or do anything without me. It was smothering after my independence. His dependence on me for everything was not something I had ever thought to experience. The total 180 degree personality change is hard to process at times. Where is the man I married?

We can’t say dementia, but we can acknowledge that maybe he took a few too many blows to the head over decades of contact sports so we go with that when we get too close to the truth that all is not right in the world anymore.

For me this has been a redefining moment. It seemed like all of a sudden I stepped off a ledge and I no longer had a partner, I had no idea just what I had. The emotional blows have beat me down and left me ragged and exposed in ways I am struggling to cope with. I am writing this blog to chronicle our journey through this terrible Illness. Maybe it will help someone else to know they are not alone. Sometimes it really seems like I am on an emotional island and no one is anywhere around. I am a small soul walking a long dark path.

On Saturday, March 6, 2021 I set out to do a loop hike with my sis and my best friend and ended up doing an in and out hike on Newton Bald Trail in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I contacted my sis and told her I was fine with whatever trail she chose and she picked a 10+mile loop combining Newton Bald trail with Mingus Creek. I have done both of these trails in the past, but Donna and Rhoda had done neither, so off we went. We took two vehicles and on our way to the trail head we agreed to meet at the Oconaluftee visitor center. At the visitor center Donna ran into a couple of friends and told them about our hike and we all agreed to make a day of it together. What followed made a profound impression on me.

Our new friends were special people. The young lady was battling a disability that severely hampered her mobility. Witnessing her battling her body with her extraordinary spirit was something I will never forget. I was awestruck by her sheer stubborn determination to overcome. It was inspiring to see her determination. Her partner took great care with her as he balanced her determination and effort against the difficulty of the terrain and the trail. This is no easy trail. Newton Bald trail is 5.3 miles of at least 3000 + elevation gain. The last time I did this trail was a solo hike on which I encountered a Sow and 2 cubs. It was a definite thrill to see these magnificent animals in the wild and even more thrilling when we left each other alone to go about our day.

Rhonda and I blazed the trail and ended up ahead of the group. We stopped and waited for them to catch up. I told the tale of my bear encounter when everyone caught up and we all had a good laugh. We set out again and at 3.3 miles in we stopped to wait on our fellow hikers again. The climb is fairly intense in places and our pace significantly slower as we accommodated our new friends. It was after 2:00pm when they caught up to us and we all decided that it would be best if our new friends headed back down. Rhonda and Donna talked and decided they would finish the loop and I continued up the trail with them to the intersection with Mingus Creek. We were in serious hiking mode then and we parted company knowing we each had about the same distance to cover. I headed back down to meet our new friends.

I hustled back down Newton Bald trail to catch up with our new friends. I managed to catch them about a mile from the trail head. I could tell it had been a hard day for them, but they were not complaining and we had some great conversation as we made our way back to my Jeep. It was sunny, but it was a bit chilly when the wind blew. The inlcine on this trail isn’t always steep, but it is relentless. Coming back down it, I could feel it in my knees. We were on the trail for over 5 hours. I drove the couple back to their vehicle and sat and waited for Donna and Rhonda. It didn’t take very long for them to emerge. It was a good little hike and a good day.

It is so easy to get caught up in whatever problems one is battling. I got a good solid dose of perspective on this hike and drove home feeling very grateful that there are people in the world who defy their limitations and strive to overcome obstacles in their lives.

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Let me just preface this by saying it has been way too long since I have ventured out on a trail. I have had a very busy summer with my new project and all, but I realized today, that there is nothing like a hike to help level everything else going on in my life out. My last hike back in May did not go so well, this one? It was fantastic! I have had this hike on my list for a while and it turns out it was a perfect hike for a return to the trails. It was also my first solo hike in a while. Only I wasn’t really alone…my bestie, Maximus accompanied me. He was quite popular with the other hikers we encountered.

Maximus and I rolled out around 8:30 and headed to Roan Mountain, about a 2 hour drive from our house. We stopped a couple of times and arrived at Carver’s Gap around 10:00 am. As we climbed Roan Mountain in the Jeep, the sky around us was clear and blue, the sun shining and the day promising to be a very pleasant day; however Roan Mountain was enshrouded in cloud cover and as we climbed the temperature dropped into the low 60’s. Carver’s Gap at 5512ft elevation was cloud covered and the air had a bit of a chilly bite to it. Maximus and I got our backpack out and headed across the road to step onto the Appalachian Trail. We began a slight, winding climb towards the first of the three Balds. The Roan Mountain Highlands are a popular day hiking destination and we met lots of other folks out and about enjoying the trail as we were. The clouds sitting atop the mountain gave us moments where we felt isolated and the rolling misty fog was enchanting. Views were limited to immediate surroundings and that was OK. It just felt good to be on the trail.

There is something about the Appalachian Trail that calls to me every time I venture out on it and this time was no exception. I tell myself that someday, someday I will walk its full length. The fact that it passes so close by gives me ample opportunity to enjoy many short section hikes. The iconic white blaze never fails to make me smile. We crossed Round Bald and headed down to a slight gap before climbing to Jane’s Bald at 5807ft elevation. Elevation gain is cumulative on a hike, so ups and downs add to the elevation gain for the hike itself. According to my Apple Watch, our total elevation gain for the hike was 1143ft total. Not bad for 5 1/2 miles, our total distance for the day. The trail has some fairly steep, rocky places so my hiking stick came in handy several times. Maximus had no problems. He was quite the attention hound too, a very friendly pooch, he was well received whenever we met other hikers.

At Jane Bald a nice pair of ladies got some pictures for us and we returned the favor. Hikers in general are super people. The mist seemed to be lightening as we hiked on and the hours passed. We met a quartet of section hikers from Iowa and chatted with them a little about their experiences on the trail. The sun broke through the cloud cover in places and the hike back out promised to be a different hike. The AT makes a nice sharp left turn, to get to Grassy Ridge, one just continues forward. There is a blue trail marker indicating that one is leaving the AT for a side trail. We immediately began a narrow, rocky climb up what was almost a rock filled gully between very thick vegetation. We had to step up out of the trail bed to allow other hikers to pass us going in the opposite direction. This did not bother Maximus as he got petted almost every time.

When we stepped out of the thick vegetation onto the 3rd of the 3 Balds it was breathtaking. The fields stretched out to either side of the path, the cloud cover creating an enchanting world. We hiked, still climbing a bit. We passed a campsite and spoke to the campers and we followed the well defined trail to some huge boulders. We were told by a nice couple hanging out on the bald that these stones were the heart of Grassy Ridge. There was a plaque on the boulders dedicated to Cornelious Rex Peake. Maximus and I stopped here for some refreshment before heading back down the trail.

The cloud cover thinned significantly and the world opened up around us. The AT follows along the Tennessee, North Carolina Border so if you look off one side of the trail you are looking into Tennessee; North Carolina stretches off into the distance on the other side of the trail. There are places where a body can see for miles and miles. Max and I stopped a few times to just gape at the mountains rolling away from us and at the tiny little signs of civilization off in the distance. Our hike took us 3 hours and 45 minutes, the distance not so much as the sight seeing and letting Maximus get his well deserved attention, contributed to our time line. This was a very comfortable hike, the cool mountain air refreshing and invigorating.

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On Wednesday February 24, 2021, I got an unexpected day off work due to being exposed to the Covid-19. I guess everything has a bit of a silver lining. I decided to quarantine in the great outdoors. This particular day, being a weekday and the end of February, I did not expect to run into many folks out and about on the trail. My second solo hike of 2021 turned out to be a sweet little adventure up a Creek. The weather was absolutely awesome for a winter day. It was in the mid to upper 60’s and the sun was out. The sky was an intense blue, I just stood and drank it in with my eyes a couple of times, holding on to its promise of better days ahead.

There is a miasma in the world this past year that refuses to abate. It seeks to engulf us all in its unpleasantness and hold us there with or without our consent. I choose to turn my back on it and seek the beauty, the peace, the joy and the promise that is ours. This life was never meant to be such a dark and fearful struggle. My Sis had told me that this trail was not a difficult hike, the 4.1 miles to backcountry campsite 64 doesn’t have a lot of elevation change. It is a very pleasant hike accompanied by the sound of Noland Creek as it makes its way towards Fontana Lake. It sounded like the perfect hike for this day.

I drove to Bryson City and headed towards the Road to Nowhere. Noland Creek Trailhead is a short distance from where the Road ends and there is plenty of parking for hikers. Leaving the parking I crossed a bridge and headed down to the trail, the trail runs under the bridge, one direction takes you a short hike to the Lake, the other heads up into the mountains and the network of trails I am marking off my list one by one. Noland Creek Trail is an old road bed, so the trail is wide and very well defined. It is easy walking with gentle inclines for most of the hike.

The scenery was the best part of this hike, the creek was flowing, burbling and chattering along. There are several places were nice foot bridges cross the creek, as it meanders its way down the mountain. The sun shone and the water sparkled. It was beautiful. I took my time, stopping to watch the water and listen to one of the most soothing sounds in nature. Stress, what stress? It flowed away with the water. For the most part, it was as I thought it would be, I saw only 5 other people the whole day. Due to mask mandates, everyone courteously masked up on approach and maintained adequate social distancing, which this trail was wide enough to easily allow. Words were spoken in passing, and contact was deliberately minimal.

The campsite was totally empty when I arrived there, it is located at a trail intersection with Springhouse Branch Trail. There is a horse rail and several picnic tables set up around this heavily used campsite. I sat at one and munched my snack. I enjoyed soaking up the ambiance of my favorite National Park. The sun moved across the sky, and I started back, retracing my steps. Some areas were in shadows now that had been lit by the noonday sun. I made good time getting back to my Jeep. This hike was a fun, easy hike and a much needed time out from the world.

Nature is a balm to a bruised soul. Take time to get outside and just be.

That is a long title for an approximately 10 mile loop hike, but we pieced together pieces of trails with short distance trails to make a nice loop hike in the Deep Creek area of the Great Smokey Mountains National Park. On Wednesday February 10, 2021, I met with my Sis to get another hike in, in our favorite National Park. This is the first time I have been able to do 2 hikes so close together. In my last blog we ventured along the Cataloochee Divide Trail and walked across snow drifts. What a difference a few days can make in the weather in East Tennessee and North Carolina. It certainly keeps life interesting. The difference in the experiences is part of what makes the effort pay off so well it keeps us coming back for more.

After Saturday’s hike through a Winter Wonderland, today’s weather was absolutely balmy. The temperatures were in the low 60’s. The sky was blue, the sun delightfully warm. We parked the Jeep at the Thomas Divide trail head-on Tom Branch Road in the Deep Creek area of GSMNP. There were a couple of other vehicles in the parking area. For a beautiful day in the middle of the week, we had it made. We headed up Thomas Divide Trail, and the climb on the wide, well laid out trail, was invigorating. We could see Snow caps on distant peaks reminding us of the snow we traversed only days ago. We had mapped out a 3.2 mile length of Thomas Divide trail to the intersection with Indian Creek Motor Trail.

This loop was new to me, the trails I have done before in different combinations with different folks and solo. Hiking the same trail in the Smokies, is never hiking the same trail. The time of year, the weather, the direction all make for different hikes. Today, instead of descending Thomas Divide, which I have done a couple of times, we ascended. The elevation gain from the trail head at Tom Branch Road to the intersection with Indian Creek Motor Trail is roughly 1700 ft. The climb is pretty steady. There is a short section between the cemetery and Stone Pile Gap that is fairly flat, but it doesn’t last long. I like to start a hike with a good climb, it tests my resolve right off the bat. I felt good on this hike. When we came to the Indian Creek Motor Trail intersection, we took a quick break before heading down that trail.

Indian Creek Motor trail descends 800 ft over 1.8 miles. Last time I hiked this trail I had come in from Deep Creek with my daughter in law. We had made a loop with Deep Creek Trail, Indian Creek Trail, Deep Low Gap and Stone Pile Gap. This loop rivals that one in length. On the descent we ran across a wee bit of snow that was clinging tenaciously to the shadowy banks away from the heat of the sun. This trail connects to Deep Low Gap and was originally constructed to be part of a scenic auto trail. It is a wide well defined trail and it is easy to imagine it could have been an auto trail. . We met a couple of other hikers on this section of trail.

Deep Low Gap, connecting Indian Creek Motor Trail to Indian Creek Trail, was the next section we conquered. At 0.4 mile it didn’t take much. This section is a little rocky and rough with wash out. The sound of running water accompanies one down this short length. We took another break at the Intersection with Indian Creek Trail. Making a left here we did a 2.4 mile stretch of this trail. I have hiked this trail several times making loops in different directions. It is a well traveled trail and we met a couple of groups of hikers as we made our way to the intersection with the short Stone Pile Gap trail. Indian Creek trail is a road bed and easy hiking. It’s length is a very gentle incline of 600 ft over 3.6 miles. As we strolled down the 2.4 mile section on this leg of our loop, I marveled at the sun sparkling off the water and the warmth of the day, a gift in February.

Stone Pile Gap connects Indian Creek Trail to Thomas Divide and we had to make up the elevation loss we had incurred on our descent. Stone Pile Gap is a narrow, rocky, slippery trail that winds up a little gap to connect these two trails. My last adventure on Stone Pile Gap I had descended, and I knew it was fairly steep as it rises to meet Thomas Divide. It is a neat little trail as on part of the trail, you get to wade through a shallow creek, the trail goes right up the middle of it in places as the stream winds down the little gap. This trail is a little less than a mile in length but the elevation gain reclaims all the elevation lost on the descent. In 0.9 miles we got 700 ft or so elevation back. The upper half of this trail is pretty steep in places and tired from the miles trekked so far, my sis and I took our time on this trail. I had this loop at 9.8 trail miles. We made the distance in a little over 4 hours. It was a great little hike. Deep Creek is very hiker friendly, with many ways to put trails together for loops and in and out day hikes.

Until next time. I have a couple more hikes to catch up on.