Our independence takes a huge step forward that day we go to the DMV and pass our driver’s test. We get car keys and we have arrived. Everything we do involves motoring from one place to another. Our independence lies in our ability to drive ourselves to our destinations. So much of our self identification is wrapped up in our ability to drive.
The day of that fateful diagnosis the only thing my spouse left the neurologist’s office with was anger and frustration over the declaration by the neurologist that he would never drive again. Everything else was dwarfed by that proclamation. As stunned by the idea as he was, we tried to get our heads around the idea that this fiercely independent man was now dependent. We were afraid too, because the neurologist told us that if we let him drive our insurance would not cover us if he had an accident. We coaxed the keys from him leaving him angry and devastated; and we began to try and get our heads around the new truth and come up with a plan to deal with it. This took us a few days. Those were not pleasant days as my spouse kept asking what he had done to turn us against him. Why were we doing this to him? Why had we ever taken him to that asshole doctor? I had no answers. He was, and still to this day is, in denial that there is anything wrong with him.
Angry ourselves because we had a diagnosis that was expected and worse than we anticipated, and upset at not having the time to absorb the diagnosis and discuss what this meant to the man we loved and ourselves with the professional who threw the news at us, we began to research dementia on the Web. As we dealt with the anger and fear and growing aggressive reaction we decided that the declaration leading to the loss of his driving privileges was not based on my spouse’s actual abilities, it seemed more and more to us a cross thrown in after a few jabs, the Dr. Imposing his superiority on a hapless, angry, confused, patient who called him an asshole and told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. On-line reviews of this doctor were not very flattering either lending credence to our opinion.
My spouse had not shown any indication that he was at that time physically or mentally incapable of driving. He had begun to self-regulate his driving; driving only short distances to familiar places. We went to a lawyer to determine if this was indeed legally binding. We were advised to watch the mail, if the Neurologist had officially revoked driving privileges we would be getting a letter from the state asking us to surrender his license. And just because one person said a thing didn’t make it so, we should seek other medical advice.
Everyone is different and each of us has to handle our circumstances the best we can. The decision to take a loved one’s car keys is not one I would wish on anyone. It is more than just taking away a physical object. It signifies a terrible loss. It is a loss of independence and freedom. It is a loss of face, a blow to the pride and self sufficiency of an independent soul.
We were able at that time to get a second and third opinion that left my spouse mobile for a little while longer. Having a good primary care physician is important when dealing with something like this. The whole incident with the Neurologist made me keenly aware of just how much damage a poor relationship with a doctor can do. We won’t be seeing that one again. If he is the only neurologist our insurance will let us see, I guess we will be doing this whole dementia thing without a consulting brain doc.
My spouse is satisfied right now with having his keys and his Jeep available. He is self-regulating, not driving except to see his children and then only when he feels confident enough to do so. We are lucky here so far. This major issue has become a non issue. We are monitoring his ability and letting him call the shots here as he is being cautious and not trying to prove anything to himself or us. No letter ever came from the State. It was an empty threat that caused more damage than the dementia diagnosis itself. Our second opinion agreed with our observation and we are letting him make that call as long as we are comfortable with his reaction time and physical ability behind the wheel.
This journey is one of the most difficult I have ever been on.
MrsSmithsLifeUnexpected 