On Wednesday my mother and I headed to our favorite place, The Great Smokey Mountains National Park. Mom grew up in Gatlinburg, the gateway to the Smokies; and I have fond memories of spending summers with my grandmother in her house on Turkey Nest Road. The Mountains are part of our genetic makeup. When I step onto a trail and move away from civilization towards the back country I feel an internal shift. I need the realignment that happens when I head out on these adventures. Mom is still rather spry and determined to enjoy what she can. The hike out to Andrews Bald is only 1.8 miles. I thought we would be able to do this one if we paced it. Mom did a rather rigorous hike to a waterfall in Shenandoah in June. It has been a few years since I ventured out to Andrews Bald.

The trailhead leaves the parking lot of Clingmans Dome, the highest point on the AT, and we go down. The descent was steeper than I remembered. The air was a cool 63 degrees with low humidity, the perfect weather for a hike. The views along the trail were a mixture of sunlight and shadow. The landscape was wet from recent rains; we crossed many little drainage flows water burbling under foot.  The forest was damp and we stopped once just breathe it in. Mom said it smelled like home.

Mom made it an arduous mile before she said she had better head back. Her trail legs were not up to the full round trip and knowing her limitations she sent me onto the Bald. The trail is well traveled so I felt OK to go on. We were less than a mile from the destination. I raced on to Andrews Bald. The push was good for me. Walking Mom’s pace was good for the time I got to spend with her, speeding up I worked up a good sweat on my own. At the Bald it was easy to see that clouds were moving in. The views were striking like an old black and white landscape that someone was starting to colorize; it was beautiful with shadow and sunlight playing off one another to highlight shades of green in vibrant contrast to the greys and browns and muted shadows.

I turned and raced back to find Mom well on her way back up towards the trail head. She was in great spirits telling me that folks stopped and chatted coming and going. Hikers are good people. We slowly made our way out. Determined and tenacious Mom climbed and rested and climbed until we crested the top. I tried to get pictures of the clouds rolling in shrouding the peaks before we left the parking area but my phone couldn’t capture what I saw. We got in the Jeep just in time. As we rolled down the access road the rains came. Big fat drops turned into a steady stream of rainfall. Mom got 2 miles of strenuous trail. She said she is going to walk the hills around the farm and build up so she can make it all the way to the Bald next time and I bet she will. We don’t quit or give up easily. That is a reminder I needed. We push ourselves to our limit, recognize our limitations and seek to overcome. That is as much in the genes as the Mountains we love so dearly.

We walked out of Church one warm spring morning, the sun was shining and the young people were excited. On the threshold lay an emaciated little grey dog. It slinked away just out of reach of anyone who got too close, anyone that is save for me. When I took pity on the poor beast and crouched down nearby it allowed me to pick it up. I discovered it was an in tact male and it was so thin I could count its ribs visually. Its hind quarters stuck up like two sticks and it’s little belly was concave. Where had he come from? He had not been there before service. With much encouragement from the rest of the congregation of Kincaid United Methodist I put him in my Titan and headed out. Thus began my adventures with The best dog ever!

On the way to meet my beloved at Burger King I named the little guy Maximus. I held him in my lap as I drove and he seemed content to sit with me. I decided that Jesus gave me a puppy, or perhaps Maximus is an Angel in disguise. I haven’t ruled that possibility out. When I pulled in at BK Ralph took one look at him and nodded as I explained how he came to be with me and pronounced him to be Max the Mutt! I vetted him and they told me he was probably 2 years old, a schnauzer terrier mix of unknown origin. But I know where he came from. There is a little dog house in heaven waiting on him to return.

I decided to crate train my new companion. Over the next few months I discovered you can’t confine a free spirit. He would somehow move his crate which is bigger and heavier then himself into positions where he could drag things inside with him and destroy them. He chewed up my favorite Pink Floyd tshirt, the corner of a favorite blanket. He destroyed underwear, sheets, towels whatever he could drag into the box with him. And it didn’t help with house training. Maximus claimed every inch of territory for himself, a dedicated marker, alpha of his domain, he peed on the corner of everything. He can jump high and he can open the front door if it is not locked. He is by his choice my steadfast companion, my comforter, protector, and best friend. I let him have the run of the house and the farm and if I am home his favorite place is close to me.

Over the past 7 years I have rescued other dogs and Maximus is the leader of his own little pack now, acknowledged alpha, he is 14 lbs of pure attitude. I can’t take him in polite company, he is not civilized. He has the true heart of a free spirit. And this is where he and I connect. We understand each other. I can’t tell him to come and have him obey. I ask and he comes or not. He is with me because it is where he wants to be. I honor that. I must admit I don’t like to be told what to do either. I refuse to be categorized or defined. I was imprisoned in a destructive relationship for many years and when I broke those bonds I decided I would never be constrained by another. My beloved now is a live and let live soul. I seek my own path. I walk the back woods, I ride my Harley Davidson, I teach karate, I write. I am me, just me…and Maximus? He is a reflection of my heart. Here because he wants to be, beside me because he chose me that day in the church yard. I lay abed sometimes when the thoughts start playing their twisted game of ‘What are you going to do?’ And I hold Max in my arms his little body curled next to me and I listen to and feel him breathe. I tell my frantic thoughts this is what I am going to do, I am going to lie here and breathe and hold my dog, my kindred spirit and all will be well with my soul. 

On Monday July 31, I got up out of bed and gathered my gear together for a long day hike. I have not hiked since the first of the month. My last hike was a 4 mile trek up Gorham Mountain in Acadia National Park in Maine. It was a lovely little hike but it has been too long a gap now. I stopped at Food City in Rogersville and got snacks and supplies, gassed up and then drove over I40 to Maggie Valley NC. From Maggie Valley I drove onto the Cherokee Indian Reservation and through the town of Cherokee NC into the Smokies. Mingus Mill is a preserved Mill and historic site. Mingus Creek Trail is a 5.8 mile 3000′ + elevation gain trail that ends at its juncture with Newton’s Bald trail.

My hiking adventures within the Great Smokey Mountains National Park started in earnest in June of 2013 when I talked two of my sons, one daughter in law and a dear friend I worked with into hiking to Ramsey Cascades the highest waterfall within the park boundaries. Daphne, my friend still hikes as do I and my lovely daughter in law. It is one of those things that once you challenge yourself and succeed it just ups the ante. And we are so lucky and so blessed to live where we do. Hiking trails abound over all kinds of terrain. From national forests, state parks, the Appalachian Trail, to The Great Smokies themselves it is a smorgasbord and often the most difficult decision is where to go. Narrowing down the choices to one can be a challenge.

Last year’s 100 mile Centennial challenge drew me to the Smokey Mountains National Park. I earned my 100 mile pin, and my Centennial Challenge pin. I am hooked. I like to hike in the park when I go solo as well because I always run into folks and the Park Rangers are on top of things. I let family know where I am going and I know if I do not check in in a timely manner they will know where to send help.

It was a beautiful day. The rains have eased the oppressive humidity and the temperatures have been in the mid 80’s. I started up the trail with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. I am not a really fast hiker. I am slow and steady. I am out to enjoy the trail. I made my way into the woods snapping some photos and enjoying the sound of the babbling creek. The forest in the height of summer is a beautiful blend of many shades of green and brown. I started to sweat and dipped my cool cloth into the Creek. The trail started to climb in a series of switchbacks and I was soaked with sweat by the time I reached the intersection with Deeplow Gap trail. I stopped and took a break. I always reach a point in every long hike when I question what I am doing there. I hit that early today. Once I walk that out I am good. I walk and all the little monkeys jump off my back and disappear into the woods. I have no time for the little chittering monkeys. There is a peace and magesty in the forest that lifts one above and transports one beyond the temporal worries. The hike becomes you, the trail, the climb, the descent, your body and your will. It transcends the physical, lifting you out of the ordinary into the extraordinary. And the experience is intimately personal even in a group you walk alone. The sights and the sounds, the wind in the trees, the crunch of the dead leaves under your feet, the smells that are of the woods and no where else, rich rotting vegetation, animal and insect, flower and fungi, it is all so different from the odor of modern life. It is a primitive smell that the ancient part of your brain recognizes and your soul breathes in growing in breadth and depth.

I continued my climb meeting a foursome of young hikers coming down. We passed and spoke greetings and each continued on our way. They were the only people I saw all day. At the juncture with Newton Bald I took another break then decided to go on to campsite 51 before turning around and heading back. That added another mile to my hike giving me 12.6 miles for the day. If I am going to maintain sanity during this transition I will need to hit the trail more. That was my conclusion of the day when I got back to my Jeep. Mingus Creek Trail joins the completed list in my trail log. It feels good to accomplish a thing.

I rolled out of bed and stepped out onto the front porch and the sun blinded me momentarily. I moved over and sank down onto the seat and closed my eyes and lifted my face to the rays of the sun letting them warm me feeling all aglow as I took deep breaths and released them letting my body relax and my mind clear. For some reason it seems like the first thing in the morning is the hardest part of the day. My mind slams awake before my body rises. Thoughts of all sorts and natures race around my skull looking for purchase. Whatever I allow to take hold sets the tone for the day. If I am negligent and allow worry, fear, or despondence to take hold I am in for a battle the rest of the morning at least, possibly the whole day if those negative thoughts root deeply. I felt lethargic this morning and the thoughts were kinder. It is Saturday, the sun is out. I am OK today. The bills are paid and financial ruin lurks somewhere in the distance, a made up threat not a promise of things to come.

Yesterday I made my last cut with the 6 month experiment in sales and construction. I learned a lot. I sold a few fences learning that I could do it with a low level of success. I am not a salesman. The only folks who bought fences from me really wanted a fence and really wanted the company I worked for to install it. The fencing business is huge and fascinating. I went to Fencetech in San Antonio in February and was amazed at the variety and different applications and specialization in the industry. Still when laid off last Friday I was relieved in a way. I never felt like I was doing what needed to be done and it bothered me. When the owners opened a general store I thought I had found a nice niche where I could learn more about running a retail store and help manage it. That didn’t work out and my feelings about that are best left in dark corners of my heart until the poison leaches out of them and I can nod my head sagely and say it just wasn’t meant to be.

I picked up my last check and deposited it in the credit union and felt a weight lift off my back. It is done! Let us move forward now and see what comes next. My beloved spouse and I went from the credit union to the chiropractor. My spine was way out of line and the kindly doctor chided me for neglecting to come see him sooner. I did feel better as I left. I took Dramamine before we left the house on our errands and by the time we left the chiropractor I was feeling numb. I get car sick so easily and if I am riding I have to take the stuff. I rode with Ralph all day yesterday. I have not driven my Jeep Wrangler Rubicon much since I got laid off. Ralph doesn’t like riding in it. He says it is like riding in a log wagon and climbing in and out of it is a challenge for him right now with his bad hip. I think driving it is a huge lark. I have a 6 speed manual and the off road suspension lets me feel the surface I am traversing. The mud tires are noisy on the asphalt pavement but coming up and down the nearly mile long driveway is fun. As I have a tendency to run over curbs no matter what I drive the high clearance and stiff suspension protect my investment. This Jeep is my favorite since I traded the Nissan Titan I drove over 250000 miles all over the eastern United States. That truck was a beast. Should have kept it but gas prices went up to nearly 4 a gallon and I was paying 120 a week just to drive to work and back so I thought I needed an economy car. Trouble with those cars I couldn’t get them up my driveway in really bad weather. I don’t see that being a problem any time soon….

One week down, today the attitude is good and I am looking forward with excitement. I believe good things are ahead and I am anxious to see what comes next. Some chapters in our life are long some are short but they are all defined by where we find ourselves and who we share that time with.

I woke this morning to the thoughts inside my head doing their best impersonation of a tsunami. Wave after wave crashing around the inside of my skull totally out of control. What are you going to do? What are you going to do??? The question I can’t answer ricochets around my brain pan until my body is flooded with stress hormones and I can’t be still. Luckily I had an outlet. I drank my protein shake and rode down to Rogersville to Main Street and entered the dojo.

Kelly had a good sized class going working kata and he introduced me to his current group of students. It has been a while since I have worked out at the home school. I need this. Oh boy do I need this. I worked with one young lady on su n su kata and with two young people on seisan kata and another on seiuchin kata. It took my mind off the raging storm for a while. I am going to make a point of being at the dojo when I can. Karate is an anchor that can keep me from getting too far out to sea as the storms rage and the darkness threatens. Kelly also talked about turning your worries over to God. God speaks to us telling us what we need to hear through the voice of his children to his children. He says exactly what we need to hear if we have ears to hear. Mine were primed. I heard…I told my heart to take it in and release the anxiety. My heart has a death grip and prying my worry out is going to take divine intervention for what we cannot do ourselves he will do for us. Now if only I would cooperate it would make it so much easier and relieve so much stress and fear. It is the voice of fear that mocks me so.

After class we went to O’Henry’s across the street and ate breakfast. I got an email with job leads and on a lark filled one out and let zip recruiter do its thing. I know I said I wasn’t going to jump on this right away but I did. I filled out 3 applications today. We will see if I get any positive feedback from any one.

As we left O’Henry’s I crashed…last time I felt that way was after winning a karate tournament. The adrenaline crash robs you of all energy. It is like some Giant leach has latched onto your back and is sucking all the vitality out of your system. I hit the wall and splat…Ralph asked me where to and I said home. My head was spinning and my eyes even hurt as I tried to hold them open. The ride home took forever. At one point I was ready to tell him to just stop I would get out and run on ahead sure I could get home faster on foot than he was driving.

I took a 2 hour nap and recovered somewhat. I piddled around the house and then went over to Roger and Danielle’s to pick up my latest shipment of Isagenix shakes and supplies. I will have to quit these when the golden goose lays its last egg if I don’t find employment before then. Things like that hurt. Roger told me of contractors he works around having their pay cut, benefits removed and vacation cut back to a single week a year. Their choice? Take it or leave it. Can you say slave labor? People tend to live on what they make. If you cut their pay it makes a difficult situation dangerously fragile. Paycheck to paycheck living has folks hanging by a thread. Cut their take home pay, take away their health insurance and any other benefits, reduce their vacation to a single week a year, what have you done to these people? Why have you done it? Could it be pure corporate greed and total lack of care for the worker? How long will people be able to stand this before they hit the wall and then everything will go splat.

When I think I have it bad…Sigh!!! I have faith that when I find my next employment opportunity it will be blessed and I will be OK no matter where it is or what I end up doing. The pups and I will be cool! In the meantime my lovely daughter in law mixed me an anti stress bottle of essential oils to use to try and help counter the anxiety. I will give it a test run over the next few weeks I am sure!

Monday, my first Monday in over 6 months unemployed. I dreamed this morning that I was conversing with the folks I used to work for. I told them how much I appreciated what I learned and all the new things I got to try. At least my subconscious mind is at peace with it. Otherwise I might have dreamed far different more nefarious scenarios, knife wielding slasher queen cutting and cursing her way through familiar spaces, getting revenge for perceived slights, or perhaps a sobbing broken wretch of a wench begging for another chance…please please she cries pitifully my pups they have to eat you can’t do this to me…all in all pleasant conversation is preferred, thank you subconscious mind. Let’s keep it positive and move forward.

I realized after we got home from the Monday morning class at Kelly’s Heroes Isshinryu karate that I needed a project or the madness I wrestled with back in the fall when Eastman let me go in their cost cutting frenzy would start to work on me again despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. I do not want to go there again. I am praying for guidance and trusting in Jesus Christ to reveal the path to me as I do due diligence. I refuse to frenetically seek online opportunities and put in applications and send off resumes like I did before. I want to do a more thorough reasonable approach after I take 2 or 3 weeks to just chill out and make sure I am grounded and well balanced emotionally and mentally. The project I decided upon is to clean and organize my home. Sounds simple enough but as I wandered the length and breadth of my domicile I felt overwhelmed by the complication and sheer volume of stuff that needs to be dealt with. Hoarders has absolutely nothing on my beloved spouse.

I am going to clean, organize and get rid of stuff…this will not go over too well with the significant other. After all he has spent the last several years hauling his treasures in from his house, from his mother’s house and from various thrift stores from Morristown to Kingsport. I endured a minor meltdown as I told him my plan and picked the first room to tackle. He helped by moving things from the target room to another room. Hate to tell him but where he moved the stuff, that room is next. It is so bad he pulls stuff out of trash bags quick as you put it in there. I may be writing this blog from prison where I am serving a life sentence for especially aggravated homicide.

I finished the day at Spires Chapel Baptist church where my husband goes for worship. I teach Sunday School at Kincaid United Methodist. It works for us. Chuck Turner passed away and he was at the church for visitation and the funeral. It had a positive old time revival feel to it and some really good singing. Death will come to each in the allotted time. Dying won’t be so bad, I know where I am bound. Burying a dead loved one? Definitely worse than losing your job. Everyday so far I have had attitude adjustment moments where I realize that losing your job is bad but it’s not quite as bad as…

I spent a couple of hours on the balcony at the Quality Inn Creekside this morning before loading up the husband’s jeep and heading home. This weekend is winding down. I took a few to go over in my mind all the positive interactions and to reaffirm those vibes inside shoring up for the days ahead. I will be challenged emotionally and mentally as I adjust to being unemployed and begin the search for a new job.

Grand Master Willie Adams was such an inspiration last night as he engaged Angie Spencer and I in conversation and instruction on basic Isshinryu principles and order. To see someone as accomplished in the art as him get so excited about the crescent step, the seisan stance and the straight punch reminded me what it’s all about. Simple is better. Not just in karate but in life. There is an order to things that if followed will assure success. There is much to be learned in application of the basics. Timing is everything. Movement sets up timing. If you stay too long in one place you make yourself vulnerable. You control the ring and your opponent through movement. Standing still gives away your advantage and a static entity is not improving its chances of growth or even survival. Movement with purpose is essential. Movement without purpose is dangerous.

We drove by my Grandmother Reagan’s place. My cousin Tammy had inherited it after mom signed it over to Tammy’s Dad. She lived there with her family until last fall when the devastating fires burned through the Great Smokey Mountains National Park and with the help of winds in excess of 85mph hopped, skipped, and jumped through the town destroying homes, businesses, and taking lives. She lost everything and by all accounts was lucky to escape at all. The lot is sitting there now overgrown, the basement marking where the house stood. I spent many a summer at that house with my grandmother before she passed away. Another reminder that in this world nothing is secure. What is unemployment compared to losing your home and everything you had? What is losing your home and possessions compared to losing your wife or child or parent to unexpected natural disasters while on vacation celebrating life? 13 people died in those fires if I remember correctly.

Driving out of town towards Cosby I looked up to my right to the line of Mountains and marveled at the peaks shrouded in dark grey cloud cover. I like to look at those mountains and smile contentedly to myself. I have been up there or there abouts. As I get closer to Cosby I know I have looked down from those lofty heights. I have climbed those mountains explored those trails looked down on the valley I am traversing now. I will climb those mountains again and again in the coming months and years God willing and I will make my way through the valley as well. That is the key. Movement with purpose!

I called mom after we ate. She pup sat Little Luke Skywalker and Scrappy our two toy chihuahuas. Maximus, my best friend in the whole wide world, Jackie Black, Ares, Keiko and Mugsey were keeping an eye on the homestead for us. Yes I do need all these dogs! I saw a canvas poster on FB with that quote!! I need the canvas to compliment the pups. Mom said she would bring the guys down to the farm so we headed in. My dogs like to meet me as I drive in. The drive is getting rough, nearly a mile long, it is dirt and gravel and washed out in places with deep mud holes in other places. The guys wait near the end and rush out to escort me in with much barking and excited leaping about! It is nice to be appreciated so!!!

Over all a successful day. When I rolled out of bed after a very restless night and sat on the nice balcony here to watch the sun rise I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that left me feeling hollow. What is the first day of the rest of your life supposed to look like? Any other day to everybody else I reckon.

My beloved spouse and I went over the cruel blows life has delivered and the loss of his retirement to unscrupulous investors. He reminded me that he lost 250000 everything he had worked 35 years for at TRW. How he had worked and worried about his retirement and they still found some way to separate him from it. How I told him not to worry about it…well karma you know how it works. Don’t worry about baby. He says…it’ll be all right. They…the mysterious they…they don’t want you to have anything. They want it all…they just want you to be able to get by. If you are barely making it you won’t be a problem to them. They are happy when you are struggling. You will find something and it will be Ok. The business that just laid you off did you a favor…take the rest of the summer off. You are in Gatlinburg today. Let it go!

The concept of living in the moment and letting tomorrow be is one I am trying to embrace. It is not proving to be very comfortable or cuddly yet. Hopefully it will grow on me!

I was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2015. Women are a minority in the Hall of Fame. I am honored by the recognition. I remember when this tournament was mine! There was a block of years from 04 to 08 when I ruled. I was the lady to beat. Glory days! Now I call center ring and encourage the next generation of competitors towards excellence. I ran a smooth ring today and received many compliments on it. That meant a lot to me. They didn’t know how badly I needed that positive feedback.

I talked to David Holcomb about maybe helping coach a women’s karate team he is putting together at a Christian college in Dayton Tn. Rhonda Honeycutt gave me a job tip. Her sister in law Tammy Honeycutt said I would have to be desperate to follow it up. Not desperate yet…but Rhonda says it would be good money and I am all about good money…so I may look into it…but not desperately.

The respect the HOF board shows for me and my accomplishments every year reminds me how much the Martial Arts has given me and helped me to become who I am now. I want to return that encouragement to others and watch them hit another level. It felt good to be center ref in a ring. I am not a loser and a bum because 2 employers in less than a year have let me go. My worth and identity will not be determined by a job ever again.

All in all not a bad way to spend the first day of the rest of my life huh?

Here I am in Gatlinburg Tn. contemplating the latest swing from forward to dead stop. I thought I had it all figured out last year but the proof of that false assumption is where I find myself today. Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life. Have I been set free or rejected? How do I get my head around a drastic change in circumstance? In the world today I am one of millions. I had a corporate job for life. I worked for 28 years and intended to retire from

the company in 10 more years only the company had a different plan and released me with a nice severance package only I wasn’t ready for life on the

outside. Deeply indebted, I was a true debt slave, I cashed out paid off what I could of my debt and landed a job without health insurance or benefits

where I worked for 6 months before being laid off again. Corporate retired me blue collar laid me off and now what? Now what?

I am redefining me. By sharing my tale I hope to grab hold of something that is eluding me. The Grateful Dead sing about what a long strange trip its been. I don’t know where this blog will take me. I don’t know what the next chapter looks like. I will blend past with present. I will search my soul for impressions and share the simple and absurd, the profound and the silliness. How I see the world and what strikes me about its peculiarities. Let’s see where life takes us. I have laid expectations aside.